Worried about someone?
Watching someone you love disappear into a group, a movement or a relationship is frightening. The most powerful thing you can offer them is a relationship with you that stays open.
The goal isn't to win an argument. The goal is to stay someone they can come back to when their own doubts surface, and they usually do. Many former members say a single steady, non-judgemental person outside was what helped them leave.
Do
- Keep in contact, even if it's brief, and even if it's hard. Birthdays, small news, shared memories.
- Be curious, not combative. Ask open questions: "What drew you to it?", "What do you like most?", "Is there anything you'd change?"
- Remind them who they are. Talk about old interests, humour and memories. Control works by replacing someone's identity, so reconnect them with their own.
- Listen for doubts and let them say them aloud without pouncing. "That sounds hard. How did you feel about it?"
- Make leaving feel possible: "Whatever happens, you'll always have a place here, no questions asked." Mean it practically too: a room, a phone, some money.
- Learn about the group quietly, from former members and independent sources, so you understand the pressures they face.
- Look after yourself. Family support groups exist (see Get help). This is a long game.
Avoid
- Attacking the leader or beliefs head-on. It usually confirms what the group predicted ("outsiders will persecute you") and pushes them further in.
- Ultimatums: "It's them or us" often ends with "them".
- Ridicule or "how could you be so stupid?" Shame keeps people inside.
- Information dumps. A pile of critical articles usually gets rejected. One honest question sticks better than ten links.
- Coercive "rescue". Never try to forcibly remove or confine an adult. Holding someone against their will is kidnapping or false imprisonment, as the coercive "deprogramming" of past decades was. It is traumatic and usually backfires. Voluntary exit counselling, which the person agrees to, is different.
Things you might say
"I can see this means a lot to you. Can you help me understand it?"
"If you ever had doubts, would you feel able to say so there?"
"How would they react if you decided to take a break?"
"I'm not going anywhere. You can always call me, about anything."
When to act urgently
Contact emergency services (999 / 911 / 112) if you believe someone is in immediate danger, being held against their will, being denied medical care, being trafficked, or if a child is at risk. In the UK, the NSPCC (0808 800 5000) can advise about concerns for a child. In the US, call Childhelp on 1-800-422-4453.
If it's political radicalisation
If someone is being drawn towards extremist or violent movements, of any political or religious persuasion, there are specialist, non-judgemental services for families. See extremism support.