Leaving & recovery
Leaving can be quick or slow, quiet or public. There's no single right way. These are practical steps many people have found helpful.
If you are in danger, call 999 (UK), 911 (US) or 112 (EU). If the group controls your home, phone or money, plan quietly and get outside help first.
Risk can rise around the time someone leaves, because control is being lost. Don't announce your plans in advance. If you share a device, read this on a library or friend's device, or clear your history afterwards.
Before you leave
- Tell one safe person outside the group. Agree a code word you can text if you need help.
- Gather documents: passport, ID, birth certificate, visa or immigration papers, bank cards, medical records, qualifications. Store copies somewhere the group can't reach, such as a trusted friend or a new email account.
- Money: if possible, open an account in your own name at a bank the group doesn't use, and put aside a little cash.
- Somewhere to go: a friend, family member, refuge or short-term accommodation.
- Your devices: if others know your passwords or share your phone, set up a new email and phone account. Check location sharing, shared cloud accounts, unfamiliar apps (possible "stalkerware") and hidden trackers such as AirTags in bags or cars.
- Children: if children are involved, get legal advice early (see legal help). Taking children away without the other parent's consent can, in some places, count as abduction, so check first unless they are in immediate danger.
Leaving
- You don't owe anyone an exit interview. A short message, or no message, is fine.
- Expect pressure: love-bombing, guilt, warnings, people turning up. You can decline to meet.
- Keep records of threats or harassment (screenshots, dates). Report harassment to the police.
Afterwards: what's normal
Many people feel relief and grief at the same time. Common experiences after leaving include:
- Guilt, fear and the group's warnings still echoing ("floating" back into the group's way of thinking).
- Loss of community, purpose and certainty, and sometimes of family.
- Anxiety, trouble sleeping, panic, or feeling numb. Some people develop symptoms of trauma.
- Not knowing what you like, believe or want, especially if you were born or raised inside.
- Gaps in ordinary knowledge: pop culture, finances, careers, relationships.
- Anger and shame. Both are understandable, and neither means you were foolish.
For people leaving controlling religious settings, psychologist Marlene Winell named this cluster Religious Trauma Syndrome. It isn't a formal diagnosis, but it is increasingly recognised by counsellors. Similar effects are reported after leaving political, wellness and commercial groups.
Recovery that helps
Find your people
Talk to other former members of any group. Peer support groups, online and in person, help many people feel normal again.
Get informed support
Look for a counsellor who understands coercive control or religious trauma. Ask them directly about their experience.
Learn how it worked
Understanding the techniques used on you reduces shame. It wasn't a personal failing. These methods work on people in general.
Go slowly with what's next
It's common to be drawn into another all-consuming group or relationship ("cult-hopping"). Take your time before making big new commitments.
If you were born or raised in a group
You didn't choose to join, so leaving can mean building a self from scratch: working out your own tastes, beliefs and boundaries for the first time. You may have gaps in schooling, no records, no outside friends, or family who can't be in contact. None of that is your fault. ICSA runs workshops and groups specifically for people born or raised in high-control groups (see Get help), and peer communities of "second-generation" former members exist for many groups.
You can keep what was good. Leaving a controlling group doesn't mean you have to reject your faith, your politics, your values or the real friendships you made. Many people stay religious, spiritual or politically active, on their own terms.