Relationships & families
Is my relationship controlling?
You don't need a group to be in a cult-like situation. A partner, parent or family member can use exactly the same tactics: isolating you, controlling information, money and time, and making you doubt yourself. Researchers sometimes call this a "cult of one".
If you are in danger, call 999 (UK), 911 (US) or 112 (EU). If you're reading this on a shared device, use the Quick exit button or press Esc.
What a healthy relationship usually looks like
- You see your own friends and family freely.
- You have access to your own money, phone and documents.
- Disagreements don't lead to punishment, silent treatment or fear.
- You can say no, including to sex, without consequences.
Warning signs of coercive control
- Isolation: they discourage or sabotage your contact with friends and family.
- Monitoring: checking your phone, tracking your location, demanding to know where you are.
- Financial control: limiting your access to money, running up debt in your name, or stopping you working.
- Rules and punishment: you change your behaviour to avoid their anger.
- Rewriting reality: denying things happened until you doubt your own memory (sometimes called gaslighting).
- Love-bombing cycles: intense affection after episodes of cruelty, which keeps you hoping.
- Threats to leave, to harm you, themselves, children or pets, or to expose private information.
It can be a crime
In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour by a partner or family member has been a criminal offence since 2015. Scotland, Northern Ireland and a growing number of other countries and US states have similar laws.
Take the private self-check Planning to leave safely
Where to get help
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK, run by Refuge, free, 24/7): 0808 2000 247
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (US, 24/7): 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
- Rights of Women (UK legal advice) and other legal help: Legal help
- More options: Get help